Need a Good laugh...Part 4 Submit a Joke

Dell / OPTIPLEX 755
March 23, 2013 at 17:14:36
Specs: win 7 pro, n/a
Logic of a Beer Drinker

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Man: Yes.

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?

Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?

Man: 15 years.

Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady Interviewer: No.

Man: So where's your Ferrari?

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#1
March 24, 2013 at 12:22:46
Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and you 're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a month." I told her.

She fainted!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun!


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#2
March 24, 2013 at 15:21:57
A woman (let's say for the sake of argument that she is a blonde) texts her husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen." Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back: Computer completely ruined now."

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#3
March 24, 2013 at 20:43:04
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.”

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don’t know whom to fire.”

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.

Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, “Barbara, I’ve got a problem. You see, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?”

Barbara replied, “You’d better jack off. I’ve got a headache.”

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#4
March 24, 2013 at 23:24:13
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.

“Gold of course”, says the man proudly.

The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”

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#5
March 25, 2013 at 16:40:05
NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH....LOL

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite
to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a
sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it
becomes apparent that she is in real
distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress,
yanks down her
drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with
his tongue.
obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly
back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind
Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

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#6
June 17, 2013 at 16:53:34
"Survivor - Texas Style"

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - Texas-Style!"

The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas , drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio , then over to Houston and down to Brownsville . They will then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Odessa , Midland , Lubbock , and Amarillo . From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth . Finally back to Dallas .

Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 15 bumper stickers which will read:

1. "I Am A Democrat"
2. "Amnesty For Illegals"
3. "I Love The Dixie Chicks"
4. "Boycott Beef"
5. "I Voted For Obama"
6. " George Strait Sucks"
7. "Elect Hillary In 2016"
8. "Vote Eric Holder Texas Governor"
9. "Rosie O’Donnell Is Texas Born"
10. "I Love Obama-Care and Chuck Schumer"
11. "Barney Frank Is My Hero"
12. "I Side With Jane Fonda"
13. "It's Bush's Fault"
14. “Islam Is A Peace-Loving Religion

and the last sticker is…

15. "I'm Here To Register Your Guns"

The first contestant to make it back to Dallas alive wins..

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#7
June 21, 2013 at 11:49:52
Ralph and Edna

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

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#8
July 22, 2013 at 18:16:30
She's single and beautiful...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her condo from my deck.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway, and
knocked on my door.
I rushed to open it, she looked at me and said,
"I just got home, and I am so horny! I have a strong urge to have a good
time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I quickly replied, "No, I'm free, I have no plans at all!"
She said, "Great! Could you watch my dog?"

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#9
August 27, 2013 at 14:55:51
Fred
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing

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#10
August 27, 2013 at 22:32:19
Tell you a joke, "Joke" ! lol~

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#11
January 22, 2014 at 18:59:51
This thread needs a boost...here ya go.

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, and attended by some of the best linguistics in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese was the clever winner.

His final challenge was this. Some say there is no difference between "complete" and "finished." Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.

His response was: When you marry the right woman, you are "complete." If you marry the wrong woman, you are "finished."

And, when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are "completely finished."

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

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#12
January 22, 2014 at 19:30:43

HOW
TO CALL THE POLICE
WHEN
YOU'RE OLD
AND
DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.


George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.


One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"


George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

To err is human but to really screw things up, you need a computer!


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#13
January 22, 2014 at 20:01:16
For my spouse from Newfoundland.

"A small 4 seater airplane crashed into a cemetery in Newfoundland. So far officials in Newfoundland have pulled over 27 bodies from the wreckage and the chief says they expect to be digging through the night!"

To err is human but to really screw things up, you need a computer!


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#14
January 22, 2014 at 20:12:13
Mick and Paddy are lost out in the woods in Newfoundland. The only thing they have to eat is a sandwich and 1 beer Paddy had packed. They decide it's best for one to go look for help and the other will wait for the other to come with help. Mick's getting hungry and he says to Paddy, "Paddy if I go for help, do you promise to share the sandwich and beer when I get back?" "Lard tunderin, Mick, of course I will." So Mick heads out into the woods. A whole day goes by and there's no sign of Mick. Paddy was hungry. Another whole day passes with still no sign of Mick. By this time Paddy is really hungry and thirsty. 2 more days pass and still no Mick. Paddy can't take it, so he pops open the beer and bites into the sandwich, when out of the bushes pops Mick, "I knew it Paddy, that's it I'm not going!!!"

To err is human but to really screw things up, you need a computer!


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#15
January 22, 2014 at 20:15:55
2 antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and decide to get married.
The wedding was no hell, but the reception was great!!!

To err is human but to really screw things up, you need a computer!


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#16
January 23, 2014 at 03:21:09
Two peanuts were walking down the road - one was "a salted..."

Cane either from the rather late, great Spike Milligan; or Brian Mathews (BBC radio Satursay Club warm up),


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#17
January 29, 2014 at 10:57:18
John and Fred, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the
squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day John didn't show up. Fred didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something. But after John hadn't shown up for a week
or so, Fred really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got
together was at the park, Fred didn't know where John lived, so he was unable to find
out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen the last of John, but one day,
Fred approached the park and---Lo and behold!---there sat John!
Fred was very excited and happy to see him & told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud John, what in the world happened to you?'

John replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Fred. What in the world for?'

'Well,' John said, 'you know Tena, that cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Fred, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges
against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court,
I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.

I still have much to look forward to...

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#18
February 11, 2014 at 21:07:45
How to save the Airlines

Dump the
Male flight attendants. No one wanted them in
The first place....

Replace all the
Female flight attendants with good-looking
Strippers! What the hell -- they don't even
Serve food anymore, so what's the
Loss?

The strippers would at least triple
The alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere'
Going in the cabin. And, of course, every
Businessman in this country would start flying
Again, hoping to see naked women.

Because
Of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't
Need a salary, thus saving even more money. I
Suspect tips would be so good that we could
Charge the women for working the plane and have
Them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap
Dan ces and 'special services.'

Muslims
Would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of
Seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a
Screeching halt, and the airline industry would
See record revenues.

This is definitely a
Win-win situation if we handle it right -- a
Golden opportunity to turn a liability into an
Asset.

Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this?

Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Rob Ford
Toronto Mayor

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#19
February 11, 2014 at 21:08:43
Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna hit the powerball and be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest bitch on the planet, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, and bang her three times a day in the most exotic places on earth".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson .....

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Johnny's bitch".

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#20
February 12, 2014 at 11:12:31
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour,sir ."
The driver says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "
I love this part.......
Only when he's been drinking.

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#21
February 17, 2014 at 06:26:58
I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age (62), sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that s---!"

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#22
February 20, 2014 at 09:27:11
The Shoebox

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

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#23
February 20, 2014 at 16:52:29
(I wrote this myself.)

An IT professional and a gamer both happen to meet in a bar. Following their professions, they get around to talking computers.

The IT guy starts griping about his company's network: "Everyone has Tbase10 network switches, and the main hub's only Tbase100! I can't hardly run a network with that!"

The gamer replies: "How many computers on the network?"

The IT guy takes off his glasses. "About 150 I'd say, give or take however many are out for repairs or new parts."

The gamer gets slightly more interested. "Might I ask who your ISP is?"

The IT guy is getting confused here. "Sure, it's xyz (insert random ISP here), and we're switiching to ABC (insert another ISP here) next week. But why do you ask?"

The gamer all of a sudden gets up, leaves the bar in a huff. Confused, the IT guy finishes his drink and goes home. Next week comes around, and when the IT guy get's to work, he finds a pallet full of Tbase1000 router switches and the like. The note on the pallet says "Get to work!" Jumping with joy, the IT guy spends all week replacing routers, upgrading cables and all that stuffz.

That weekend, he goes back to the same bar, and happens to meet the same gamer.

"Anything happen the last week?" the gamer asks.

"Oh, yeah! Someone dumped off a whole palletfull of new router switches, and they're all Tbase1000's too!" The It guy's obviously glad to get an upgrade.

The gamer guy looks unimpressed. "Well, OK,but I just hope they aren't the compromised routers from the other office downtown..."

Mind you, the IT guy got fired the next week.

God, I'm horrible at this stuff.

~oldie
Not everyone can decipher Klingon script...
chay' ta' SoH tlhe' vam Doch Daq

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