Need a Good laugh...Part 3 Submit a Joke

Dell / OPTIPLEX 755
September 20, 2012 at 10:27:44
Specs: win 7 pro, n/a
Research shows that there are seven kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex .
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have
sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are
so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex .
* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has
gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass
each other in the hallway, you both say 'F**k you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Catholic Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at
night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex .
* This is when you cannot stand your partner any more. They take you to court
and screw you in front of everyone.
And; Last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

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September 20, 2012 at 11:32:53
Ok, I shouldn't do this, but when you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different - especially if you are a Farm Kid:

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

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September 20, 2012 at 12:15:43
I went from 1st to 7th without the stops in the middle...can't figure out what the hell happened.

Well, 'that's my story and I'm stickin' to it' ;-)

Audares Juvo

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September 20, 2012 at 20:03:18
These are my favorites from part 1:
You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

You've been helped by a 14 year old.

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September 20, 2012 at 21:09:41
These are good guys! Keep 'em coming...laughter is a great medicine!

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September 21, 2012 at 17:40:26
A trucker from Minnesota
who had been out on the road for three straight weeks stopped at a brothel outside Las Vegas . He walked straight up to the Madam, plopped down $500.00 and said, "I want your fattest woman a bologna sandwich and a six pack of beer.
The Madam was astonished. She said, "OK, sir, but do you know that for that kind of money you could have two of my finest ladies, plus a three-course meal and a fine bottle of wine??"
The trucker replied, "Listen, sweetie. I ain't horny....I'm homesick!"

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September 22, 2012 at 08:26:06
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company... One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little b---tards!'

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September 22, 2012 at 08:30:39
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

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September 22, 2012 at 08:45:22
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant.
She is furious...
Here she is –- in the middle of dealing with this Libyan mess -- now this has happened to her!

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:
"You b---tard! How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this ! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault !............Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper:

“Who’s speaking?”

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September 23, 2012 at 19:53:09
Tom and his squeeze had been married for more years than he cared to remember. Almost every day his lady had complained that her breasts were not big enough and none of the things she had tried had worked, they could not afford surgery.

Tom told her that a sure-fire breast enhancement trick was to wipe between her breasts four times each day using toilet tissue. She scoffed at his suggestion but decided to give it a go as it might work.

Six months later she fronted up to him showing her dainty breasts and told him that his crackpot idea hadn't made any difference to which he replied "Well honey, I don't understand that, you've been wiping between your buttocks all these years and they sure have grown".

The paramedics got there just in time and the doc in A&E says he may be able to save Tom's testicles but it will be touch and go.

Please come back & tell us if your problem is resolved.

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September 25, 2012 at 15:13:58
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS....................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings!

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September 30, 2012 at 12:07:00

Murphys' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby .

She had a little boy. The doctor looked over at Murphy and said,
'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son!'

'Ain't dat grand!'
Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,
'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter!
She is a pretty lil ting, too!'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said,
'Hold on, we ain’t got done yet!'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said,
“Murph, you just had yourself another boy!'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies?'

The doctor said, 'You never know, Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah, yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife came home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,
'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell's a fookin' good ting we didn't use WD 40.'

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October 3, 2012 at 21:10:09
Little Johnny The teacher was asking her students what they wanted to be when they grow up. It was Johnny's turn.

Johnny: I wanna be a billionaire and go to expensive clubs. Find a bitch there, buy her a million dollar apartment in Vegas. Get her aFerrari. Buy her a beach house in Miami, a jet to fly with, get her expensive jewellery and have sex with her 3 times a day.

The teacher was lost of words and didn't know what to do. She just proceeded along and asked Marie what she wanted to be.

Marie replied: "Without a doubt ma'am, Id like to be Johnny's bitch !!"

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October 6, 2012 at 12:31:00
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the guy that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the guy says "Well honey normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I reckoned that we were friends."

Audares Juvo

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October 12, 2012 at 12:22:43
Little Old Lady

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me..'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'

'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'

Audares Juvo

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October 16, 2012 at 22:12:52

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .....
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks..
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

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October 16, 2012 at 22:15:10
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that... I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

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October 19, 2012 at 21:16:07

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral paid for by the hospital he worked for most of his life.

A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I 'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral.”

“I 'm a gynecologist.”

The Priest fainted

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October 19, 2012 at 21:22:38



All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets.
Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this
"all-girls" trip.


Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the
Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.


At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored

and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner
with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar
and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told
him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.


Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at
piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me
several large drinks. He really is charming. Again asked me to visit

his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not

let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.. I was shocked ……


Today I saved 1600 lives.


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October 20, 2012 at 17:06:53
There was a knock on the door this past Saturday morning.

I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:

"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

So I said "Come in and sit down."

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the heck out of me! Nobody ever let me in before."

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October 22, 2012 at 15:59:40
An old woman prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old mule. the old woman headed straight for the only saloon to clear her parched throat.

She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitch rail. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, "hey old woman, have you ever danced?"

The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "no, i never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old woman's feet.

The old woman prospector - not wanting to get her toe blown off -started hopping around. Everybody was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. the silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said, "son, have you ever licked a mule's butt?

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "no maam... but... i've
always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...

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October 22, 2012 at 18:42:14
That was my paternal grandmother XP. At 13, she shotgunned her pa to keep from being molested and walked out of Alabama without looking back. Circa 1905.

Audares Juvo

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October 22, 2012 at 20:49:54
LOL.. the type of sex is damn funny haha..

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October 22, 2012 at 21:45:49
Alabama has lots of inbreds least that is what they say!

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November 9, 2012 at 14:57:51
I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said to her, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."

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November 12, 2012 at 18:35:58
Little Johnny on marriage....OMG!

Teacher: What kind of wife would you like Johnny?
Johnny: I would want a wife like the moon.
Teacher: Wow !! what a choice... do you want her to be beautiful
and calm like the moon?
Johnny: No, I want her to arrive at night and f*&k off in the morning!

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November 26, 2012 at 14:53:56
Things to Ponder

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end,
someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by
those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and
he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of
twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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November 26, 2012 at 18:24:49
A coach bus is buzzing along I-10 at 5 miles an hour trying to get out of LA 9 AM traffic. The bus driver, becoming aggravated at this one semitruck that keeps him in the right lane by staying in the middle lane, takes a good 5 second blast on the horn, then tries to merge, The semi jerks to a halt, and causes 5 other cars behind it to bump into each other. They all blare their horns. Suddenly the semi truck's horn let's off a 2 minute blast on the air horn that woke up Elvis in Las Vegas in 1971. The bus driver, who's front right fender is now lodged under the semi's trailer, gets out and stomps over to give the semi driver a piece of his mind. Upon reaching the driver door, he realizes that the driver is a woman. Still angry anyhow, he yells "Why the f%$K did you stay in the middle lane?" The woman throws the fire extinguisher out the window narrowly missing the bus drivers head. "What the F!?K was that for!?!" The woman loks out the window and says "Gezzus, i thought you were my husband trying to get his truck back!"


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November 26, 2012 at 18:24:49
Ooops, this post was a double-double post. Sorry!

~The Mods

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December 4, 2012 at 15:42:45
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult -- Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F_ _ k the Japs."

"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!? she angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said that?"

Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little s---! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh s---, We're screwed!"

Little Akio said quietly, "The American people, November 6, 2012."

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December 4, 2012 at 16:02:47
+1 :))

The message that you entered is too short to be helpful.

Wasn't supposed to be helpful...

Audares Juvo

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December 4, 2012 at 21:16:21
Swede and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Swede. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Swede circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Swede lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Swede go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "So, that's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own testicles!

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December 15, 2012 at 14:10:52
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
Of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
Feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
About, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
Poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
Bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged
Himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
That her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
Execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
Go up stairs and give him the goo d news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
Husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU

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December 15, 2012 at 14:12:42
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I
have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put
them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible.
My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase
and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The
lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female
parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put
the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

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December 16, 2012 at 10:43:52
My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
"My goodness," he said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old
enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore.

The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.

I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license
into pieces, and threw them in the wastebasket, saying, 'You won't be needing
this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"

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December 19, 2012 at 16:00:21
Four guys have been going on the same golf trip for many years.

This year, Ralph's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
And thus he calls his buddies and tells them the bad news.

Two days later, the 3 other guys arrive at the resort to begin their yearly golf getaway. And of all things, they find Ralph sitting there with his clubs already set up on his cart.

"Dang Ralphie boy, how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, yesterday evening, after my wife finished reading "Fifty Shades Of Gray,"
she pulled me into our bedroom. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did."

Then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am!

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December 25, 2012 at 07:23:15
So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which Murphy replies,"You Thick idiot - If they fell forwards they'd still be in The fookin' boat"

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December 25, 2012 at 07:36:13
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'..
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'

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December 26, 2012 at 13:46:13
"His wheel is spinning but the hamsters dead." - Source unknown

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January 21, 2013 at 11:37:44
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist and humorist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates". His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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January 21, 2013 at 14:52:20
A little boy asks his dad:
what’s between mom’s legs?

The father answers: paradise, my son

The kid asks again:
what’s between your legs?

The father replies: the key to the paradise

The son says: piece of advice dad,
change the lock, the neighbour has
a duplicate key.

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January 21, 2013 at 14:53:21
The good OLD outhouse days...young people will not get this...

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

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January 23, 2013 at 01:33:09
One For The Ladies :)

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Xbox, Football, Fishing and Continuous TV.

Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.

Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as
designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jeweler and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer.

Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

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March 5, 2013 at 10:22:30
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

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March 9, 2013 at 20:55:26
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin, Ireland. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,

"What man here will buy a woman a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,

"Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady another drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy,
it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

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March 10, 2013 at 22:29:27
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,

”Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on , it doesn’t matter to me. I just love it.

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds,

“No kidding. I’m a lawyer too.!!!

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