Need a Good laugh...Part 2 ..Submit a Joke

Dell / OPTIPLEX 755
May 11, 2012 at 16:42:13
Specs: win 7 pro, 2.667 GHz / 2004 MB
Mexican Pay Raise

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about it.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did"
Wife increasingly agitated:
"Oh he did did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora.......The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

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May 11, 2012 at 16:46:54

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband, "you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says, "what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa !

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick b---tard.”

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

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May 12, 2012 at 02:42:30
A Cowboy's Tombstone

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah

I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest?

His five rules for a happy life are at the bottom below the headstone...


1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. Its very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

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May 15, 2012 at 12:37:33
Little sally
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

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Related Solutions

May 16, 2012 at 01:50:12
I guess that's better than "Tastes like chicken".


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May 16, 2012 at 15:56:43
I loved little Sally. I've been laughing about it all day.

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May 16, 2012 at 17:17:45 gotta wonder where people come up with those things LOL....

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May 16, 2012 at 17:37:06
I hardly ever post video links, but this one is quite funny...enjoy:

It's all about apples in a bar...

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May 18, 2012 at 07:14:44
London Cabbie

A devout Muslim entered a black cab in London.

He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?"

The cabbie answered,

"In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so buzz off and wait for a camel!!"

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May 18, 2012 at 07:18:50
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.

They get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to discover that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says: "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Illinois School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says: "Well, I just graduated from West Virginia University with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

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May 18, 2012 at 07:33:09
Female Dentist

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot of Novocain .

" No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said .

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on , suffocates me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill .

"No objection , the patient says . " 'I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says , "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist , "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!"

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May 18, 2012 at 13:59:18
Yes Little sally is very funny, where do u get your jokes?

Right now I don't have the time to read all the jokes but i will comment later when i read all of them.

You know the real meaning of peace only if you have been through the war.

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May 18, 2012 at 16:46:30
Many of the jokes I get from e-mails from friends...I try to add the best ones....

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May 20, 2012 at 05:03:53
Your jokes are very funny, i'm still laughing at the last one. I think i am gonna save this page.

You know the real meaning of peace only if you have been through the war.

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May 20, 2012 at 07:43:11
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday
after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second
Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks
for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums still hurt too much
To talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife's teeth in by mistake and just couldn't shut up.

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May 21, 2012 at 09:56:20
Did you guys hear the news about the 747 full of attorneys that was hijacked on the tarmac in Houston? The hijackers are threatening to release one of them an hour until their demands are met.

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May 21, 2012 at 17:49:27

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May 26, 2012 at 10:04:22
What Is Couple Sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather,
who was working in the yard and asked him,

"Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask
such a question, but decided that if she's old enough
to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave
nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about
human reproduction and the joys and
responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was
looking at him with her mouth hanging open,
eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather
asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that
dinner will be ready in just a couple secs

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May 28, 2012 at 17:59:59
A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"

Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.

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May 29, 2012 at 13:46:03

Don't Fart in Bed--

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.


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May 29, 2012 at 20:06:45
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with her husband, the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies.

She, frantic, calls out for help over the radio: -‘May Day’: -"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying: -"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She answers: -"I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."


"O.K." says the voice on the radio, “Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven. . .."

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May 30, 2012 at 17:58:27
A Kind Hearted Scotsman

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being the nice and Kind Hearted Scotsman I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"

So, we walked past it again.

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June 4, 2012 at 17:21:35
A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bulls---tin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."

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June 6, 2012 at 17:44:55
What did he say?

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here's to spending the rest o' me life,
between the legs o' me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell

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June 6, 2012 at 17:50:57
Wedding Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

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June 10, 2012 at 22:47:09
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'Cathy', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!

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June 15, 2012 at 13:27:49
A ventriloquist is doing his act in a night club.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?

What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.

You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general ...pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the beautiful blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little idiot on your knee!"

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June 21, 2012 at 18:04:27
The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a
rather dignified man
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged
$10,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave
it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row
as she was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price
was still $10,000.

The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of
cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs...After an hour, he

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was
astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a
record in the history of brothels in Nevada , which date back into the
early 1800's.

But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went
upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man , 'No one has
ever been with me three nights in a row . Where are you from?'

The man replied, ' Billings , Montana .'

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Billings .'

'I know.' the man said. 'I regret to tell you, but your sister died,
and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

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June 26, 2012 at 17:17:49
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus
stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, and much to her chagrin, she
could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,
"Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

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June 27, 2012 at 06:36:34
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back. Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....


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July 3, 2012 at 22:07:12
First and foremost let me apologize to all those I am about to offend. I know religion is not a great topic to discuss or poke fun at but I saw this and couldn’t resist. Again I am sorry to all I offend.

Religions of the World

Taoism: Stuff happens

Hinduism: This stuff happened before

Islam: If stuff happens, take a hostage

Buddhism: When stuff happens is it really stuff

7th Day Adventist: Stuff happens on Saturday

Protestantism: Stuff won’t happen if I work harder

Catholicism: If stuff happens, I deserve it

Jehovah’s Witness: Knock, knock, Stuff happens

Judaism: Why does stuff always happen to me?

Hare Krishna: Stuff happens Rama rama ding dong

Atheism: No stuff

T.V. Evangelism: Send more stuff

Rastafarianism: Let’s smoke this stuff


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July 4, 2012 at 23:41:44
In the sleepy village of Erbum, in the town of Tillet, Hertfordshire lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes. She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn. Her mail is addressed:

Linda Lykes
The Cock Inn
Tillet, Herts.

The postie still laughs at every delivery.


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July 5, 2012 at 07:20:50
that was good Likely! LOL

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July 5, 2012 at 07:42:41
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells' "You're scaring the hell out of all my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts!"

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

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July 5, 2012 at 14:37:45
Oh lord XP. That brought tears to my eyes.


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July 5, 2012 at 16:48:35 too the first time I saw it! LOL

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July 7, 2012 at 16:42:34

A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One
got transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf
round.... She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I
was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but
she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they
would be starting early -- at 6:30 a.m. He figured the early tee-time would
discourage her.

The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes
late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll
be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and, playing right-handed, beat all three of them
with an eye-opening two-under-par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and
the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and
invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played
left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an
even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.
They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be
purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored
a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15
minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady again played
right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they
couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was
a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one
of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf
right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me
to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth.
When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the
nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the
morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his
you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was
pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

The guys thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information,
one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"
She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late "

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July 8, 2012 at 16:07:07
A guy goes to the clerk of courts to change his name. The clerk asks him what his name is:

"Harry Schitt," says the guy.

"Wow!" says the clerk. "I can see why you want to change it. What do you want to change it to?"


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July 8, 2012 at 20:18:39
Hmmmm....I didn't get that one nails....

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July 9, 2012 at 18:15:27
Me neither...

You've been helped by a 14 year old.

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July 10, 2012 at 04:36:55
Hi Guys - he wants to change to Joseph Schitt! :-)

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July 10, 2012 at 07:15:35
Still can't see the humor in that, sorry....

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July 10, 2012 at 14:53:43
Jack would have been better.


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July 10, 2012 at 18:02:02
Indian Chief "Two Eagles" was asked by a white U.S. government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he has done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official, then replied.

"When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing: all night having sex."

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled....

"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."


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July 15, 2012 at 19:15:35
These ones are all very funny! I agree with XpUser4Real that we need more laughter in this age. Does anyone have anymore?

You've been helped by a 14 year old.

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July 17, 2012 at 21:40:51
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started
to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said,
"Come on,
eat it all up or ... I'll have
to give it to this nice man here."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding,
so she said,
"Come on, honey.
Take it or I'll give it to this nice
man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man
blurted out,
"Come on, kid.
Make up your mind!
I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

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July 17, 2012 at 22:33:23
with my new girlfriend last night,went up stairs and after a long kiss i started to undo her bra, then i took her pantys off,next thing the lights on and she said " will you stop wearing my underwear"?
looked out of the window this morning and knew it was freezing cold when i saw a scouser with hands in his own pockets....

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July 17, 2012 at 22:52:25
i said to my wife, "were gonna have to sort the garden out,i just seen the dog outside the window"
"whats wrong with that"?
"i was in the bedroom at the time"

jack & bobby charlton are playing a charity match against a full man city side and at half time its 1-0 to jack & bobby, next thing bobbys got an urgent phone call and promises jack he'll get back the ref blows for full time bobbys just got back and says" wye aye oor jacky what was the score then"? 1-1 says jacky and bobby rips him "1-1 against that lot,how the f--- did you let that happen man"? " it was offside", says jacky

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July 17, 2012 at 23:19:27
fit woman in the office says to her friend, "im telling you,if he does it again this morning.thats it! .....eventually the door opens and a male colleague walks in and stops in front of the woman "morning,he says,then hmmm,your hair smells nice" ...the woman stormed off to see the office manager, " ok,ok calm down, whats wrong"? the woman goes off on one "every morning one of men in the office stops as he passes me,says good morning then tells me my hair smells nice"!!! .." is that all? he pays you a compliment,whats your problem"? "he's a midget cries the woman"

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July 17, 2012 at 23:40:06
one psychaitrist in town bumps into another and after some small talk says "well you seem fine,how am i"?

'englishman,irishman,welshman,scotsman, and a scouser'....

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July 18, 2012 at 07:14:42
What's a scouser? Google says it's a person from Liverpool, but what's funny about that?

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July 18, 2012 at 17:19:21

LENA and OLE ---

Lena is pregnant with Ole's child.
Late one night, Lena vakes up Ole
and says, 'I tink it's time!'

So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere
tractor and took her
to the hospital to have their
first baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor
looked over at Ole and
said, 'A son! Ain't dat Great!
' Well, Ole got excited by dis,
but yust den the doctor spoke
up and said,
'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!'

The doctor den held up
a little girl.. He said, 'Hey, Ole!
You got you a daughter!
' She's a pretty little ting, too.'
Ole got kind of puzzled by this,
an then the doctor said,

'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't
done yet!' The doctor then
delivered another boy and said,
Ole, you yust had yourself
another boy!'

Ole was flabbergasted by this news!
A couple days later, Ole brought
Lena and their three Children
home in the self-propelled combine.
He was real serious and he asked
Lena , 'How come we got tree on
the first try?'

Lena said, 'You remember dat night
we ran out of Vaseline and You vent
out in the garage and got dat dere
3-in-1 Oil?'
Ole said, 'Yeah, I do... Uffda!

It's a darn good ting I didn't get
the WD-40!!!!

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July 18, 2012 at 17:39:38
Ha ha! These ones are all very funny!

You've been helped by a 14 year old.

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July 23, 2012 at 13:51:40
A newly elected congressman went to his new office on Capitol Hill. The only things in his office were a chair, desk, and a telephone. He sat down on his big, burgundy, leather executive chair. Into his office came a man who appeared to be a news reporter. The new congressman thought he'd better pick up the phone and act important. So he carried on the following fictitious conversation, "Yes, Mr. President, I'm doing well. The office is great! How's the family? No, I'm sorry,
I can't make it for dinner tonight. I'm working on a very important piece of legislation. Perhaps another time. Best to you, too, sir!". He hung up his phone and said, "So, are you with MSNBC? CNN?" The man replied, "No, I'm with AT&T, and I'm here to hook up your phone."

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July 23, 2012 at 13:59:08
The following is a true story:

On a foggy night at sea, the ship's captain saw what appeared to be the lights of another ship heading toward him. He instructed his signalman to contact the other ship by signal light. He sent the message, "Change your course ten degrees to the north."

The reply came, "Change your course ten degrees to the south."

The captain responded, "I am the captain. Change your course ten degrees to the north."

Response: "I am a seaman first class. You change your course ten degrees to the south."

The captain was furious. He had his signalman reply, "I am a battleship. You change your course ten degrees to the north."

Reply: "I am a lighthouse. Your call."

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July 26, 2012 at 02:32:46
Brings back memories. Hahaha


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July 30, 2012 at 14:56:54
Customer: "Give me three packs of condoms."
Cashier: "Do you want a bag with that, sir?"
Customer:" Nah, she ain't that ugly."

My wife left a note on the fridge...

"It's not working! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Moms!"

I opened the fridge door, the light came on and the beer was cold...

God only knows what she was talking about!!!

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July 30, 2012 at 16:48:08
A little Irish boy about 12 years old is walking down the street
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on
the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he
He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside.

I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.

Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots
after making love with Amber -

THAT'S the girl I want.
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it,
the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten
minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam,
and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked,
'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease,
Instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home,

My parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home
with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just
happens to be very fond of cute little boys.

She will then get the disease that I just caught.

When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the
way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to
bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the
milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick
who ran over my FROG!'

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August 12, 2012 at 22:53:11
( I mean no harm when i say this joke if you take offence from blond jokes i apologise)
A blond and brunnette live together, oneday the brunnette walks into the apartment to find the blond hanging from the roof by her stomach, the brunnette asks
"what are you doing?"
to which the blond replies
"im trying to commit suicide", at that the brunnette says why not put the rope around your neck?
the blond replies
"i did but i couldnt Breath"

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August 12, 2012 at 23:07:02
this is another blonde joke.
a blonde and brunnette are living together (no not the same ones the blonde died in the last one)
oneday the brunnette goes up to the blond and says
"last night i slept with a brazillion man"
the blonde looks horrified as she says
"you Slut!", "How many's a Brazillion?"


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August 19, 2012 at 08:27:29
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles . One day Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?" Al replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter." When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says, "I don't know, Senor. I ask the cook." He returns from the kitchen a few minutes later and says, "No, Senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."

Al isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos,' replies, "I check once again, Senor."

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered everywhere.

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook say there is no Mexican Jews."

Al asks, "Are you certain? I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews."

The exasperated waiter says, "Senor, I ask EVERYONE, all we have is: Orange Jews,
Grape Jews, Prune Jews and Tomato Jews.

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August 21, 2012 at 14:35:02
*Sprays soda out my nose at my monitor* Oh my. I loved that on Xp.


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August 21, 2012 at 16:42:00
That is funny likely! Glad you liked it!

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September 2, 2012 at 12:39:20
I was standing in a bar yesterday and this little Chinese guy
comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu,
Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee"?

"No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer you little prick".

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September 2, 2012 at 23:59:45
The Pilot and the Priest

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?"

The guy replies, "I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston ."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the good father. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"

"Up here - we go by results," says Saint Peter. "When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed."

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September 3, 2012 at 06:17:05
hahaha, thats funny! and true!!!

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September 4, 2012 at 19:15:48
New Texas Priest

A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out
of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one
hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested
remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee
and saying, "No s---, what happened next?"

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September 5, 2012 at 16:02:32
A man and a woman who had never met before,
But who were both married to other people,
Found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the
upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, ............'Ma'am,I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, ...... let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! ........................ That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. ............. 'Get your own damn blanket.'
After a moment of silence, .......................he farted.
The End.

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January 19, 2013 at 08:39:06
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Cape Coral in Florida reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.

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January 19, 2013 at 08:39:43
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor in Bonita Springs ,
And pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids

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