Need a Good Laugh....how about a joke?

Dell / OPTIPLEX 755
May 31, 2011 at 19:23:38
Specs: Win 7 pro, 2.667 GHz / 2004 MB
Anyone have any good funny, fairly short jokes?
Here's one of mine:

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.

He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I’d try the ATM in the lobby"

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#1
May 31, 2011 at 19:38:50
Hahahaha!!!!! I'll have to use that one later.

Likely


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#2
June 1, 2011 at 17:57:10
It all began with an iPhone...

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started...
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!!

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#3
June 2, 2011 at 08:59:52
Irishman walking along the beach picks up a bottle rubs it then poof a genie appears say's he's been stuck cramped in there for a couple thousand years and grants the irishman three wishes.
"I wish I had a pint of Guinness" (Irish national drink) says the Irishman then poof a buffalo horn appears in his hand filled to the brim which he quaffs down in one gulp.
Suddenly the horn fills up again which he quickly drinks, again and again this keeps happening, everytime he drinks from it, up it fills!
Three hours pass by. The genie say's "You've still got two wishes left"
The Irishman say's "I'll have two more of those horns"

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Related Solutions

#4
June 2, 2011 at 11:46:25
That was pretty good dummkopf LOL
Your user name sounds low german...which could mean 'stupid head' ?
Am I right?

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#5
June 2, 2011 at 20:38:53
What do you get if you cross a penis and a potato?
A dictator.

What happens to a sea gull if it flies over a bay?
It becomes a bagel.


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#6
June 3, 2011 at 00:43:54
haha...not bad!

The Break In
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,then gets up & goes into the. bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail
and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute,
and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.'

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#7
June 3, 2011 at 18:20:09
OUCH!!!!!!!!

Likely


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#8
June 3, 2011 at 22:47:59
Now with the postal problems looming in Canada brings to mind this next one.

A postal worker decide to commit suicide so he laid down behind the wheels of a postal truck. He died of starvation in a week.

I guess that shows how fast the postal service is at the best of times, and they want more money ? LOL.

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#9
June 4, 2011 at 00:28:48
And since we're on Postal jokes:

A young lady working at the Post Office was sorting through some envelopes when she discovered a letter addressed:

GOD
C/O HEAVEN

Upon opening the envelope she found a letter enclosed from a little old lady who said she had never asked for anything in her life before from God. She was desperately in need of $100 for Christmas and was wondering if God could send her the money.

The young lady was deeply touched by the letter and took up a collection among her co-workers and collected $90. She mailed it to the return address on the envelope and felt joyful for being able to help.

A few weeks passed when another letter came addressed to God from the same little old lady. The young lady again opened the letter and it read:

Dear God:
Thank you for the money. I deeply appreciate it however I only received $90 of the $100 you sent. Those b---tards at the Post Office must have stolen the other $10.

"Channeling the spirit of jboy..."


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#10
June 7, 2011 at 06:58:08
Yes I think you are correct, XpUser4Real, when I was born the midwife slapped my mother.
Which is the odd one out? an Irishman? a prawn? or a Bangladeshi crushed under a steam roller?
Answer, the Irishman is the odd one out, because the others are crustaceans, pronounced crushed-asians.

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#11
June 9, 2011 at 17:02:10
A Woman is in the shower when someone knocks on the door.
So she goes to the door with no clothes on
Who is it she shouts through the letterbox

Its the Blind man he reply s
So she feels safe to let him in

when asked what she can do for him he replys

Nice t**s now where do you want me to hang the blinds


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#12
June 11, 2011 at 16:14:32
An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman were comparing their local pubs.

The Englishman, George, said that his local, The Grey Friar, was the best because if you bought three drinks the fourth was free.

The Scot, Jock, reckoned that his watering hole, MacFarlanes Bar, was better because if you bought two drinks the third was free.

The Irishman, Paddy, told them his local, Murphy's, was the winner because as soon as you entered the bar someone would offer to buy a drink for you. You could drink all evening for free and not only that, at closing time you could go upstairs and have as much s*x as you could handle.

George and Jock rubbished Paddy's tale but he swore it was right. At last George asked Paddy if this had ever happened to him and Paddy thought for a while and then said "Well no, I have to admit it's never ever actually happened to me.... but I swear to god it's happened to my sister more than once".

***


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#13
June 11, 2011 at 17:58:08
I know that light travels faster than sound....and I have conluded.. thats the reason some people seem brite untill u hear them speak.

If "all we are is dust in the wind" then who the hell is on my blinds?

Tigger looked down the toilet and yelled "I FOUND POOH!"

Absence makes the heart grow fonder,but Absolute makes my clothes go yonder.

Buy four pigs, and paint on each pig 1, 2, 3 and 5. Release the pigs at a mall, and watch the guards try and find number 4.

3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier's face: Priceless!

Warning: condoms aren't 100% protective. My friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs.

If someone ever tells you that you are useless, remember that at one time you were the strongest, fastest little sperm out of millions!

I think that all GAS Stations should follow Wal-Mart's lead...and offer Roll-back prices...let's say, back to 1982!!! Who's with me???

Likely


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#14
June 12, 2011 at 06:27:40





.
Hellmann's Mayonnaise - a bit of history.

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as - Sinko De Mayo.







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#15
June 12, 2011 at 09:24:13

Natural Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

-------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside & said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook & really good with the kids.'
-------------------------------------------------------

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher & calmly said, 'Well . . . she's there.'

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#16
June 15, 2011 at 09:28:20
Things to Ponder

1- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most
people die of natural causes.

2- Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out
of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

3- The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to
buy a replacement.

4- Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

5- There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

6- Life is sexually transmitted.

7- Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

8- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

9- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

10- Have you noticed since everyone has a phone camera these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

11- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

12- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

13- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

14- How is it one careless match can start a bush fire, but it takes
a whole box to start a campfire?

15- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeezethese dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

16- Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I m
gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its bum.


17- Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

18- If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

20- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets
mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

21- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

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#17
June 15, 2011 at 09:33:47
Nice ones XpUser4Real! :)

Ask and Answer. The way of learning.

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#18
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#19
June 15, 2011 at 10:07:26
OKAY, WAIT!
MEN,
WE DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies..

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says.

'I would have been released today.'

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#20
June 15, 2011 at 13:15:51
Good ones XP User 4 Real.

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#21
June 15, 2011 at 14:50:48
tyvm grasshopper , we need more laughter in this day & age as far as I'm concerned! ;-)

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#22
June 15, 2011 at 20:35:27
I found these and felt some needed to be passed on here.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

Likely


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#23
June 15, 2011 at 21:24:39
A cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist -- and since she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the store -- there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman.

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional -- and whatever it was that he needed to discuss -- he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.'
When she returned, she said, 'We discussed it at length -- and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month -- plus living expenses.'

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#24
June 16, 2011 at 13:31:21
Use this one when someone asks you what time it is:

A: What time is it?
B: Time for you to get a watch!

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#25
June 17, 2011 at 10:14:35
re: "...because the others are crustaceans, pronounced crushed-asians."

Keep that pronunciation in mind as you read this. It works better in "voice" than in print.

A Chinese gentleman is talking to his Financial Advisor.

Chinese Client: "When I was here last month I had more money. Why is my account down so much?"

Advisor: "Fluctuations"

Chinese Client: "Oh yeah? Well, fluck you white guys!"

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#26
June 17, 2011 at 11:32:06
Observations On Growing Older

~Going Out is good.. Coming Home is better!

~You Forget names .... But it's OK because other people forgot they Even knew you!!!

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything ...... Especially Golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things that he doesn't remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore..

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's Called his "pre-sleep".

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" Switch..

~You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody Whispers.

~Now that your husband has retired .... You'd give anything if he'd find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet .... 2 of which you will never wear.

~~~But Old is good in some things: Old songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

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#27
June 17, 2011 at 15:28:53
One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the
Postman comments.

David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the
sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded.
'Your name came up 7 times.'

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#28
June 17, 2011 at 15:41:10
Some Interesting Facts!

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you passed gas consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(O.M.G.!!!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

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#29
June 19, 2011 at 19:40:53
Sports achievement is part of all of us, remember you are not only the product of an egg but also of the sperm that was the best swimmer in a batch of many millions.


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#30
June 19, 2011 at 20:00:36
'remember you are not only the product of an egg but also of the sperm that was the best swimmer in a batch of many millions.'

Yeah, I remember a few times when I was at the front of the race and suddenly turned back hollering....FALSE ALARM, FALSE ALARM and swam as quick as possible so as not to be wasted...LOL

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#31
June 22, 2011 at 09:59:16
A good logic question:
-If you open a window when the wind is dead calm, does the air flow out, or does it flow in?

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#32
June 22, 2011 at 12:56:48
-If you open a window when the wind is dead calm, does the air flow out, or does it flow in?

It will flow from the higher pressure to the lower of course.

;)

Q: If you had one big green ball in your left hand and another big green ball in your right, what would you have?

A: Complete controller over the Jolly Green Giant

It matters not how straight the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.

***William Henley***


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#33
June 22, 2011 at 19:19:07
Paraprosdokian

Here is the definition:
"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. It's hard to soar like an Eagle when you are flying with turkeys

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#34
June 22, 2011 at 20:12:15
Biker Tough!

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......


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#35
July 12, 2011 at 09:39:23
QUESTIONS YOU JUST CAN'T ANSWER


Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on......

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

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#36
July 12, 2011 at 09:43:43
Golf Poem

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.


But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End;
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,
And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,
If I Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.

Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs
And losers of balls!

A recent study found that the average golfer
Walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that golfers drink, on
Average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means that, on average, golfers get about
41 miles to the gallon!

Kind of makes you proud. Almost makes you
Feel like a hybrid. . ..

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#37
July 12, 2011 at 09:47:14
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that
done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they
give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when
I was born.

Couldn't walk for a year."

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#38
July 12, 2011 at 10:42:57
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER IF YOU TRY HARD ENOUGH


Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

He shaves with his knife

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

I don't because I'm smarter enough to know you have to replace dead batteries. Do you do that?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Because they can!

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

To hold their radio earphones over their ears. The better question is, why did they bother with a radio when it's a one-way trip!?!?

What is the speed of darkness?

Approximately the same as speed of stupid.

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

-0

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

In marraiges, statistically the women always outlive the men. A woman once asked, "Why do men die sooner" and was told the truth. Because they want to!

It only seems longer

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

I don't. But I'd guess it's because some people are easily amused.

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Nope

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Nope

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If you believe this then you've never ordered toast in a restaurant.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

I do have a light in the freezer compartment of my fridge..........both of them in fact

I only picked the easy ones because I didn't want to have to think too hard.....LOL

It matters not how straight the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.

***William Henley***


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#39
July 12, 2011 at 15:40:16
Relax with the logic Curt. This is the Lounge you know.

Ask and Answer. The way of learning.

Dell Dimension 8300
Intel Pentium 4 HT @ 3.20 GHz
4 GB RAM
Nvidia Geforce FX5200


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#40
July 13, 2011 at 13:54:03
Apparently you didn't get it RMT2........Which is ok, not everybody gets my sense of humor.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
Mitch Hedberg

That last one being particularly ironic....

It matters not how straight the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.

***William Henley***


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#41
July 13, 2011 at 14:52:20
... meanwhile, not sure what these two have been up to, perhaps belongs in the office forum(?)

... hot chinese ice-cream?
.
Demonstrative exspelling
... there is logic to this madness!
http://img811.imageshack.us/img811/...
the element of surprise Grrrrrrrr


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#42
August 2, 2011 at 09:06:46
An Old Farmer's Advice:

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.

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#43
August 5, 2011 at 17:09:11
Oh god I am in tears here. I can't quit laughing at some of these.

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#44
October 5, 2011 at 22:56:37
Scottish Golf Club

An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf.

So he puts his name down at the local club.

After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down. So he goes down to the club to enquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.

Scot: Aye, so do I.

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?

Scot: Aye, neither do I.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So you are circumcised?

Scot: Aye, I be that too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel
comfortable with that.

Scot: Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of
Columbus.

But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!!!!

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#45
October 5, 2011 at 23:00:35
Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the s--- out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for this is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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#46
October 6, 2011 at 12:46:32
Two dwarfs

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working girls ' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of ' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! ' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH! ' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH! ' ... ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, ' How did it go? ' The first mutters, ' It was
Embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection. '

The second dwarf shook his head. ' You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.'

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#47
October 6, 2011 at 13:12:57
Two penguins walk into a bar...which was really strange since the second one should have seen it.

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"


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#48
October 8, 2011 at 14:21:43
Do you know the difference between brown-nosing and butt-kissing?

Depth perception.


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#49
October 10, 2011 at 16:04:45
Got this from a Canadian friend of mine LOL

CARP-Canadian Association of Retired People

Questions and Answers from CARP Forum

Q: Where can single men over the age of 50 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true?
Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ..."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-50 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..

Q: Why should 50-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 50-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

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#50
October 19, 2011 at 10:26:13
Out of the mouths of kids!

What Is Butt Dust??

What, you ask, is 'Butt dust'? Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!


JACK (age 3)
was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister... After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'


MELANIE (age 5)
asked her Granny how old she was.. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'


STEVEN (age 3)
hugged and kissed his Mom good night 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'


BRITTANY (age 4)
had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'


SUSAN (age 4)
was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough..'

DJ (age 4)
stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'


CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'


MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple, that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'


TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'


JAMES (age 4)was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt..' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'


The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...

This particular Sunday sermon....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust....' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?

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#51
December 7, 2011 at 10:21:57
The Golden Years...

I recently met an old friend for a couple of beers. I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend: "That's us in 10 years."

He replied "that's the mirror, dip-s---..."

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#52
December 14, 2011 at 15:20:44
Baked Beans

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.

I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused:
"Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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#53
December 14, 2011 at 15:22:04
Black Testicles


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles
black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls
back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much, that was wonderful but listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?


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#54
December 14, 2011 at 15:27:28
good one shelby! LOL

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#55
February 2, 2012 at 10:33:54
I just don't understan???? I keep hitting and hitting the shift key but my computer just won't get any faster.

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#56
February 5, 2012 at 10:49:26
HOMELESS MAN'S FUNERAL

As a bagpiper, I play many places. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's
cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being atypical
man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew
left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the men for
being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played
like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ' Amazing Grace ,' the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my
head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never
seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost.... it's a man thing.

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#57
February 8, 2012 at 23:25:30
HAHAHAHAHA!

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#58
February 11, 2012 at 02:46:53
XpUser4Real,

This is definitely added to my list of favorite funny stories! I haven't laughed so hard in forever - thank you!


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#59
February 11, 2012 at 07:29:34
you are very welcome!

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#60
February 11, 2012 at 10:31:45
Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when
You first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been
With your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex
Anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with
Your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have
Sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with
Your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'F%ck you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Catholic Sex. * Which means you get Nun in
The morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your
Wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security
Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.
I have enough problems of my own!!

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#61
February 20, 2012 at 20:12:29
Oh my god. I have to print that one out and send it to my kids.

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#62
February 27, 2012 at 05:53:11
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said "Two prostitutes - $50." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. At that very moment, another car passed with a sign saying "Jesus Saves." One of the girls asked the officer "H...ow come you don't stop them?" "Well, thats a little different," the officer said. Theirs pertains to religion." The following day the same officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car. He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their sign..."TWO FALLEN ANGELS - SEEKING PETER $50"...

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#63
February 27, 2012 at 14:47:07
good one....LOL

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#64
March 5, 2012 at 03:04:33
"KIND-HEARTED NORWEGIAN"

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being the kind-hearted Norwegian I am,

I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"


So we walked past it again.

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#65
March 19, 2012 at 17:33:55
For all the Irish!


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
**************
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
***********
Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
***************
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
*****************
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
*********************
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
*********************
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why do you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

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#66
April 2, 2012 at 09:52:34
Mysterious Green Spots

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside of each. "They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back. A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?" The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

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#67
April 3, 2012 at 00:11:29
A new kind of Scrabble

Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the
human body which
is even more useful when erect.
P N E S I

People who wrote SPINE became doctors... The rest are all my
friends...

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#68
April 3, 2012 at 11:26:27
Only in America!

Ellen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Ellen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Ellen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Ellen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

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#69
April 3, 2012 at 12:14:20
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes"

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#70
April 10, 2012 at 09:10:29
A wealthy New York businessman who sent his two daughters to the University of California's Los Angeles campus in the hope that they would find something unusual to study there that would stir them out their apathy. He was considerably alarmed, however, when they wrote back to tell him that they both had decided to specialize in research on ancient Egyptian plumbing.

He immediately sent them a telegram which read, "Under no circumstances will I support a couple of Pharaoh Faucet Majors!"

HAHA :)

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#71
April 12, 2012 at 18:24:02
Cat’s Diary

Day 983 of my captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike into their hearts, since this clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. B---tards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe…..for now.

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#72
April 14, 2012 at 10:04:21
There was once a working class couple living through rough times. They had large debts and both worked hard trying to make ends meet.

Until one day the man came home screaming “Honey, honey I hit the Lotto!”
To which the woman replied exaltedly “Oh yes! Baby! This is a dream come true!”

“Yeah, yeah start packing”. He said with his face filled with happiness.
“Yes honey” She exclaimed without hesitance. “We’re going on vacations?”

He answered “No. You’re out of my life.” pointing at the door.

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#73
April 14, 2012 at 13:25:08
The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates
me!"
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold
on to when I pull your tooth.

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#74
April 14, 2012 at 13:27:56
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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#75
April 14, 2012 at 13:35:46
THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily.
Where have ye been all this time, child?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru? '

The girl, crying, replied, ' Sniff, sniff... Dad.... I became a prostitute. '

'Ye what!!?
Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!
You' re a disgrace to this Catholic family. '

'OK, Dad... As ye wish.
I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that ' s parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)..... And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year 's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera . '

'Now what was it ye said ye had become? ' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, ' Sniff, sniff..... A prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff. '

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl!
I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!'

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#76
April 17, 2012 at 14:46:55
A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

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#77
April 17, 2012 at 14:54:24
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to
her and said,

"Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation
with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no
Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but
a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you
don't know s--- ?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

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#78
April 17, 2012 at 14:59:03
Little Boy and the Priest

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed
he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many..'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went
back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
"Maybe you should put your pants on backwards
instead of your collar.

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#79
April 17, 2012 at 22:50:07
well, the weather outside's delight-fulllll but my account? it's veeeeeeryyyy frightful!!
what happened to all my dough??? I DUNNO, I DUNNO I DUNNOOOOOOH !!

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#80
April 18, 2012 at 22:07:36
now likely...what was funny about that post? Are you maybe high on something? (besides life?)

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#81
April 18, 2012 at 22:29:33

Professor : You are a Christian, aren’t you, son ?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, you believe in GOD ?

Student : Absolutely, sir.

Professor : Is GOD good ?

Student : Sure.

Professor: Is GOD all powerful ?

Student : Yes.

Professor: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?

(Student was silent.)

Professor: You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD good?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Is satan good ?

Student : No.

Professor: Where does satan come from ?

Student : From … GOD …

Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?

Student : Yes.

Professor: So who created evil ?

(Student did not answer.)

Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, who created them ?

(Student had no answer.)

Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD?

Student : No, sir.

Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?

Student : No , sir.

Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter?

Student : No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.

Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?

Student : Yes.

Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.

Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has.

Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

Professor: Yes.

Student : And is there such a thing as cold?

Professor: Yes.

Student : No, sir. There isn’t.

(The lecture theater became very quiet with this turn of events.)

Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

(There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.)

Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?

Student : You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, well you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?

Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man ?

Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Professor: Flawed ? Can you explain how?

Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing.

Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.)

Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor. Are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

(The class was in uproar.)

Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?

(The class broke out into laughter. )

Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.)

Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son.

Student : That is it sir … Exactly ! The link between man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving.


By the way, that student was EINSTEIN.

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#82
April 23, 2012 at 21:51:03
90 year old virgin goes to the doctor for crabs... the doctor says, "You don't have crabs, those are fruit flies. Your cherry's rotten!"

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#83
April 24, 2012 at 07:22:46
Grand Children

Sometimes we forget the really important things in life.

Last week, we took our grandchildren to a restaurant. Our six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Nana gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, we could hear a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country today. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Ask God for ice cream! Why, I never..."

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you...shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch!"

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#84
April 25, 2012 at 15:40:02

Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound, and had never left the house for 5 years.

It is now believed that he called the U.S. Navy Seals himself.


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#85
April 27, 2012 at 23:57:41
You know the honeymoon is over,when the comedians start.

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree...and think 25 to life would be
appropriate.
--Jay Leno


America needs Obama-care like Nancy
Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno


Q: Have you heard about McDonald's'
new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you
has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien


Q: What does Barack Obama call
lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno


Q: What's the difference between
Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers,
and threats to society. The other is for housing
prisoners.
--David Letterman


Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were
on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it
started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
--Jimmy Fallon


Q: What's the difference between
Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel


Q: What was the most positive result
of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper
stickers off the road.
--David Letterman

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#86
May 3, 2012 at 19:34:56
Voted Best Scottish Short Joke

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Buggeroff, ye'll no bring it back!'

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